Sole Survivor: The Parody!
by Jason Gaston
Summary: A parody that pokes fun at the episode, "Sole Survivor"


Soul Survivor: The Parody 

SOLE SURVIVOR   
The Parody!   
by Jason Gaston

Landing on a world of darkness and bad lightning effects, Quinn gets bitten by some smelly guy on the street. After kicking this guy repeatedly in the face, Quinn finally gets away though not with a large portion of his calf. 

Upon further investigation, the sliders discover that the world is in an inexcusable state of disrepair. Broken windows, yellowed and peeling paint, and whites on sale after labor day. All thanks to the population of man-eating zombies. 

"You know," Maggie said as she warmed her hands by a nearby fire, "If you hadn't have ditched my gun on that last world, we wouldn't be in as much trouble now." 

"I told you I didn't touch you gun!" Wade replied. 

"Someone did!" Maggie sneered. 

"Look," Wade said, "for the last time, I didn't touch that stupid crome regulation style army handgun with the words _to Maggie, love Ricky-poo_ on the barrel." he paused, "and I'm still glad I... uh... you lost it." 

"Maggie.... Wade....," Rembrandt said stepping in between the two, "Now is not the time." 

"I agree, " Quinn said rubbing his injured leg, "We need to find a place to lay low and get so kind of an anti-septic from my leg." 

"You're right Quinn," Maggie said. 

She then looked at Wade and silently mouthed the "bitch" to which Wade mouthed back the word, "slut". 

The sliders made their way to an old abandoned warehouse. Inside, Maggie checked out the building as Wade, Rembrandt, and Quinn stood around and did nothing useful at all. 

"Boy, I sure am scared!" Wade said smiling. 

"All I see when I look at you is weakness," Maggie sneered, "All you're doing is whining about some old guy that got killed. Well, he was stupid and you're stupid. I hate you, him, and everything you stand for. And you, watching at home... you think this is _Sliders_? No... It's the _Maggie Show_ now! That's right! And you know what? I hate all of you too! Every damn one of you!" 

"So much for first impressions with the viewing audience," Rembrandt sighed. 

"What viewing audience?" Quinn asked, "FOX has killed us. Trace Torme' must be rolling in his grave." 

"Look!" Maggie yelled pointing at a light in a window, "Someone's here! Rembrandt, you were in the Navy, weren't you? You have skills and training that could be put to good use, right?" 

"Yeah," Rembrandt answered. 

"And Quinn, you have no experience and little to no combat training and would be a total dipshit in a confrontation...," Maggie stated. 

"Yeah... so?" Quinn asked. 

"Come with me," Maggie said as she took Quinn by the hand and led him up the stairs. 

No sooner had Maggie and Quinn got to the top of the stairs, they were greeted by the business end of a particularly nasty looking shotgun carried by a mousy looking but pissed woman. 

"Take it easy," Quinn said hoping that the dampness he felt running down his leg was sweat. "The zombies scared us in here." 

"Come down here, let me see your eyes!" the woman commanded. She looked at them and then said with astonishment, "You're not infected! But you do have a lot of that crusty disgusting stuff you could get rid of. My name's Deborah by the way and I've been living here alone by myself since the zombies took over. It's a sad and lonely existence, but..." 

Suddenly, the lights flickered. "Alas and alack!" Deborah screamed, "The generator is breaking down!" She ran for the stairs and did several graceless head-to-ass flips before reaching the bottom where she tripped into a vat of red paint and slipped backwards onto a board with seven rusty nails sticking out of it. After that, she ran to the sputtering generator and burned her hand on it just as it finally conked out. Luckily, by then, the sun had come out. "Why didn't you tell me it was daybreak!?" she demanded as she pulled the nail-board out of her backside and wiped the paint off of her eyes. 

"We need help for Quinn," Maggie said, "He was bitten." 

"Bitten!?" Deborah said in shock. 

"No, bitten!" Maggie said. 

"Do... Do you have any idea what this means!?" Deborah whispered. 

"He needs a doctor?" Rembrandt asked. 

"He needs stitches?" Wade asked. 

"I taste good?" Quinn asked. 

"He's lame and he needs to be put out of his misery?" Maggie said reaching for Deborah's gun. 

"No!" Deborah answered pulling the gun out of Maggie's reach, "He's becoming one of them! Soon he's going to start to stink and have an unnatural craving for human brains!" 

"But... But... I'm Quinn Mallory! I'm the star of the show! Nothing bad can happen to me! I'm immortal!" 

"Quinn needs medical attention!" Wade said. 

"We don't have time for that! We have to get Quinn to a hospital!" Maggie said. 

"The hospitals were overrun weeks ago," Deborah said throwing the proverbial wrench into their proverbial plans. 

"Look," Quinn said, "You take me to the hospital and I'll come back and reconnect the little hose on you generator that's come loose. Sure, you can do it yourself... but what if something goes wrong and you blow yourself up. Can you take that risk?" 

"I... uh... guess I can't." Deborah said, "Fine, I'll take you to the hospital." 

Getting to the hospital was easy in the daylight since their were no zombies out in the sun and it was much easier to see where you were going. Upon reaching the hospital, the sliders and Deborah made their way down the dark corridors blissfully unaware that they were being followed by some weenie in a doctor's coat. 

The other sliders were becoming concerned because Quinn's eyes were turning that weird glo-stick color. Their concerns were short lived though, for a zombie would attack them every few minutes to increase the tension and keep the viewers from nodding off. 

Quinn convinced Wade, Rembrandt, and Deborah to go back to the warehouse and get the generator working, leaving him alone with Maggie. 

"Maggie, I want you to promise that if I don't find a cure in time, you'll..." 

"...shoot you. Got it." 

"Really, don't..." 

"...hesitate. I won't. You know, if I kill you now, it would save time." 

"Let me try to find a cure first. Okay?" 

There was a pause as Quinn waited for Maggie to respond. 

"OKAY!?" Quinn said a little more forcefully. 

"Do'h, all right!" Maggie said as she pointed the gun away from the base of Quinn's skull. 

Suddenly, both of them heard footsteps coming from the hallway. 

"Maggie, even though your a trained soldier, " Quinn said making the quotation signs with his fingers on the "trained soldier" part, "I'm going to go out into the hall and investigate those footsteps without a plan or any weapons at all." 

"Yeah. Sure... Whatever," Maggie said still pouting over not getting to shoot him. 

After a short scuffle, Maggie found Quinn unconscious in the hall. A syringe in his butt-cheek and a smile on his face. 

"Quinn!" Maggie yelled with mock concern as she bent down over his fallen body giving the camera a gracious shot of her most ample bosom as she breathed heavily, the perspiration dripping into her... 

Oh, sorry... 

Getting back to Wade and Rembrandt, apparently, Quinn's orders to "fix Deborah's generator" had become skewed into "fix a car and go joyriding." 

"What are you doing!?" Deborah screamed, "You have to fix my generator or we'll all die at dusk! At least you could risk all of our lives for something constructive like trying to find a cure for your friend!" 

"That's a good idea!" Wade said, "Come on Rembrandt, let's go!" 

Deborah stood there in bewilderment as Wade and Rembrandt drove off into the distance plowing down several Voltwagons and Chevy Novas in the process. 

Meanwhile, Maggie has somehow managed to drag Quinn's drugged-up body back into the hospital lab where the weenie man locked her and Quinn up. 

"Hey! Open this door!" Maggie demanded. 

"I'm a doctor!" weenie man explained. 

"Then open this door, _doctor_!" Maggie screamed. 

The doctor slowly opened the door in time to see a zombiefied Quinn looming over the never-alert Maggie. "Look out!" Doctor weenie yelled. 

Maggie saw what he was yelling about and kicked Quinn in the yah-yahs before running out the door and locking it behind her. After a few seconds she realized that she had locked Doctor Weenie in the lab too and pulled him to safety as Quinn was still on the floor rolled up in the fetal position whimpering like a puppy and coughing weakly. 

"Everyone is a zombie thanks to a super marijuana plant which was bio-engineered by the country's top scientist, Dr. Conrad Bennish Jr.," Doctor Weenie explained. "Once everyone inhaled, they got the biggest case of the munchies in world history. They ate everything... and everyone they saw." 

"Mighty joint," Maggie whispered in awe. 

Meanwhile, on the other end of town, Wade and Rembrant searched a hospital to find a cure for the zombie illness. 

"Look," Wade said holding up a folder that said _cure for the zombie illness_, "Do you think this is it?" 

"I don't know, " Rembrandt answered. "What do you think Maggie would think?" 

Wade sank to her knees and began to cry, "I feel like I'm loosing everything to her!" 

"Oh, now. Don't feel that way! Sure, Maggie's stronger than you with beautiful eyes and a rack to die for... but you have something she doesn't." 

"A fan base?" Wade asked weakly. 

"Exactamundo," Rembrandt said as he took the file from Wade and they both walked out the door. 

Back at the first hospital, Maggie and Doctor Weenie continued to converse. Suddenly, Maggie had an idea. 

"Ow!" She shrieked as she doubled over and held her forehead. "No, wait! I have an idea! There's this other woman named Deborah! I think she's amused!" 

"Amused?" the doctor asked. 

Maggie looked confused for a few seconds. "Oh, I meant immune!" 

"That could be the key!" the doctor said! "You have to take me there!" 

"Fine," Maggie said, "But first I have to check on Quinn." 

Maggie slowly opened the door and expected to see Quinn conked out on the examination bed. Instead, all she saw was an empty room and a Quinn-shaped hole on the opposite wall. 

"Shit," she muttered. 

Twilight fell. 

Back at Deborah's warehouse, the last best hope for a zombie-free future struggled with her generator trying to keep it working and apparently forgetting that any gasoline powered equipment works much more efficiently if the fuel line in connected. 

Once the generator fell, one of the zombies rang a diner bell and with shouts of "Brains!" the warehouse was flooded with a putrid mob of the undead. (and no, not republicans). 

Deborah tried her best to ward off the man-eating army by setting a fire and doing a Sigourney Weaver / Linda Hamilton impression. But all was for naught as zombie-Quinn soon appeared from the shadows, jumped through the flames, and fixed the generator all in one heroic swoop. 

As the lights came back on, the zombies scattered like the roaches in _Joe's Apartment_ and by astonishing coincidence, that was the time Rembrandt and Wade showed up. 

"It's us!" Wade said stating the obvious, "You're probably wondering where we've been all this time, huh?" 

"Actually, I'd be more interested in knowing how you got in here with all of the zombies outside," Deborah said in astonishment. 

"We're regular cast members, " Rembrandt explained, "Unless we're unhappy with our contracts, we're indestructible." 

"Neee ooooo bud," Quinn struggled to say as he held up an empty syringe 

"What did you say?" Deborah asked. 

"His tongue is swelling up," Wade explained, "We read about it in this folder!" 

Quinn took the folder from Wade and stuffed it into his jacket. "Neeee oooo bud!" He said again. Finally, he gave up an resorted to charades. 

"Oooh! First word!" Wade yelled. 

Quinn pointed to his knee. 

"Knee!" Rembrandt said! 

Quinn indicated that he was correct. Sighed, "second word" and then pointed to Deborah. 

"Woman!" Rembrandt said. 

"Deborah!" Wade suggested. 

"Me!" Deborah said. 

Quinn shook his head and pointed forcefully at himself and then Deborah. 

Deborah cocked her head, "Oh! **Your**!!!" 

Quinn nodded and then tugged on his ear. 

"Sounds like....," Wade said. 

Quinn took a handful of dirt off the ground and then dumped water on it. 

"Sounds like.... mud!" Deborah yelled! 

"Hud, Cud, Lud, Fudd, Chud....," Wade said mindlessly. 

"Bud!" Deborah yelled triumphantly and then with a look of confusion she recited the whole puzzle: "Knee your bud?" 

Frustrated with the low brainpower in the room, Quinn grabbed Deborah's arm forcefully, stabbed her with the syringe, took a healthy dose of blood from he, and with nary a word, ran off into the night. 

Deborah rubbed her arm as Quinn lept out the window. "You don't think he wanted my blood... do you?" 

A few hours later, Quinn arrives at the hospital where Maggie greets him with a gun barrel up his left nostril. 

"It's time for me to kill you Quinn!" she said, "That'll **really** destroy _Sliders_ fan base!" 

"Don't shoot!" Dr. Weenie said as he stepped into the line of fire. He took Deborah's blood sample from him and ran back to the lab table. 

"Can I shoot him now!?" Maggie asked impatiently reinserting the gun barrel into Quinn's nose. 

"No, we need him to test the cure on!" the doctor explained, "I'll just give him a sedative or..." 

Maggie took the gun and whalloped Quinn over the head with it. He fell to the floor and the sounds of birds chirping filled the room. Maggie smiled as she examined Quinn's profile which was permanently imbedded in the gun barrel. 

"...something." The doctor said finishing his sentence. 

A few hours later, Quinn awoke strapped to a hospital bed with Maggie hovering over him grinning in a way that made Quinn shutter. Suddenly, without warning, Maggie's hands flew upward revealing that she was holding a long and pointy needle. Quinn barely had time to say, "No... No... NOOOOO!!!" before Maggie stabbed the needle into his stomach with a force that knocked the wind out of his lungs. 

"Wha....," Quinn said taking in as much oxygen as he could, "What did you do to me?" 

"I just injected you with the cure," Maggie explained. "It wasn't as much fun as shooting you." 

Quinn tried to get up, but the mammoth needle had pierced his body and left him pinned to the bed. He howled in pain. 

"On the other hand...," Maggie said with an evil grin. 

A few moments before the slide, Wade, Rembrant, and Deborah made their way to the hospital to meet up with Quinn and Maggie. 

They were overjoyed to see Quinn. Slightly relieved to see Maggie. But all of the happiness of the reunion was cut short due to the screams of Deborah who had just been kidnapped by the zombies and taken underground into the sewers. The sliders gave chase and kicked some zombie ass, rescuing Deborah from a certain fate of being laid out on a smorgasbord. 

"I was really impressed by what you did down there, Wade." Maggie said trying to salvage an iota of human decency from her character. 

"With what were you impressed with exactly?" Wade asked. 

"The way you stuck your thumb in that guy's eye and then kicked him in the balls. That was real effective military fighting!" 

"I thought so too," Quinn said in a soprano voice while holding his left eye. 

"Look," Wade said, "It was dark... I couldn't see!" 

Rembrandt looked over at Deborah and Doctor Weenie. "You know, you could come with us to a parallel word, " he suggested. 

Deborah scratched her head, "Let's see.... stay here and fight zombies with Doctor Dildo or come with you and be recurring characters on the third season of _Sliders_." 

"We'll stay," Deborah and Dr. Weenie said in unison. 

Quinn activated the wormhole and the sliders began to jump through. He then looked at the sole survivors, grinned, and said, "You do know that you two have to repopulate the world now. Well, tah-tah!" Then he jumped into the vortex that immediately closed. 

Doctor Weenie looked at Deborah and made eyebrows at her. 

"Oh, **_god!_**" Deborah sighed as she walked away from him and jumped back into the zombie-infested sewers. 

**THE END!!!**

Sliders won't be seen next week so we can bring you a brand new FOX special: _WHEN KARI WUHER ATTACKS!!!_

**Quinn:** Maggie! Help me bar the door! The werewolves are getting in! Maggie? Maggie? Kari! Have you forgotten you lines? Kari? Why are you looking at me like... No! No! Kari! _No! Ahhhhh! Get her off!!! Get her off!!!_


End file.
